Preparing for the New Year

So I have noticed that I am not good at relaxing. And by "not good", I mean really, really horrible. After much reflection on the matter I have come to think that I am so conditioned to stress and overworking myself that it has actually become something I depend on. Over the past week or so since I have had a little break from school I have found myself going a bit stir-crazy. It is very strange not to carry a mountain of books with me at all times and to use every spare minute squeezing in a couple of pages of reading. Everyone keeps telling me, "Just take it easy, relax, enjoy your break because before you know it you will be back in the hullabaloo of normal life." While this advice is completely logical and makes perfect sense to me, I still experience a hard time trying to follow it. Further confirming my suspicions that I will be terrible at retirement. Although I think I'm supposed to have a real job and whatnot before I can think about retiring...

Anyway, in my attempt to not lose my mind from boredom, I have begun thinking about the new year and what it might bring. I've never been particularly fond of "New Year's Resolutions", perhaps because I have never been able to keep one. I think the idea of a big resolution like that puts a lot of pressure on you, and if by the next year you haven't been able to keep it or do it or whatever you feel really guilty and horrible about yourself (and your lack of willpower, discipline, self-control, etc.). I might be personalizing a little bit there.

Anyway, instead of making a list of defined resolutions, which are very black and white (you did this or you didn't do it), I have decided that instead I will draft up just some goals for self-improvement. The thing about the "goals" route is that it allows me to pursue some things that I'd like to do in my life, but these things (and I think this is the case for many people) are not items that I can cross off like a to-do list. They are ongoing processes that require persistence and dedication. Some of these goals are a bit personal (although that's silly really considering how much personalness I have shared with you [whether you wanted me to or not...]). I have the standard ones that are on most people's lists:

1. Get back to exercising regularly (not in random spurts where I do it every day for a month then take 2 months off...not that I've done that)
2. Eat better. And by "better" I really mean to mostly stop eating the pure crap I usually eat since I'm constantly rushing, and perhaps to reintroduce regular servings of fruits and vegetables to my body.
3. Save money. Always easier said than done, but there is no reason why I shouldn't be putting money aside every month (I have many excuses, but no actual reasons).
4. Personal...

And then I have some that may not be on other's lists (but perhaps should be):

5. Be more positive, optimistic, and make my life into what I would like it to be. I'm not kicking the bitterly dry humor, though. Don't worry.
6. Reconnect and keep in touch with old friends and loved ones that I have no excuse to not be regularly in touch with.
7. Continue to work my (hopefully in the near future toned) backside off with all my responsibilities of school, work, and the impending doom of primary comps (okay, yes that did seem a little negative, breaking #5, but baby steps, right?).
8. Keep my life (and everything in it) organized. I have already begun this process by clearing out a large majority of my closet and stuff last night... I really don't want to end up on a reality-televised show about the disaster I live in. And as I get busier, the more my living space tends to look like a warped episode of Hoarders.
9. Learn to play the piano.
10. Appreciate life and the people in mine and my countless blessings to the fullest.

I'm looking at these goals (not in a particular order) as hopefully guidelines that will help me throughout the year. And now that I have them documented (and with witnesses, no less), perhaps I will be more mindful of them even after the holidays. Hopefully when I face a struggle or feel difficulties coming on I will remember to refer back to the list to give me some perspective. The next big challenge I foresee is my follow-up on January 11th for the mysterious new friend in my liver. After those tests I will meet with the oncologist on the 13th to discuss it. While I think it is nothing (just a bit of a nuisance), there is always that concern and stress in the back of our minds. So when and if those concerns become a bit overwhelming I will try to channel my new year ambitions and maintain positivity and faith. I'll keep you posted on how my zen state of mind works...

C

Merry Christmas!

I hope you had a lovely Christmas holiday. I had a really great holiday filled with family and friends and more family (I have amazing relatives coming out my ears). It was a packed couple of days once we got to Birmingham. We were rather delayed on our way out of town as we had car trouble which led us to a tow truck to the local dealership and then a taxi to the airport to rent a car and then finally back to Birmingham! But once we made it we had a really nice weekend doing all kinds of holiday festive things. Patrick went back yesterday afternoon but it returning on Thursday (hopefully with my car) for the New Year celebration.

I've been reflecting a lot lately about the countless blessings I have in my life and how lucky I am. Even though there is some impending stress (my follow-up tests have been scheduled for January 11th), I just can't get over how fortunate I am. Perhaps it is the time of year when we sit back and think about our many blessings. However, I hope that I (and everyone who I have seen exhibiting extra kindnesses lately) can keep this giving and appreciative spirit going even after the holidays are over for the year. If you have any ideas about how to keep the spirits up, please let me know.

In the mean time, I hope you are all recovering well from your overeating and candy hangovers (just me?) and that you are recycling all of your gift wrap and boxes from the holiday festivities. We have a mountain of recycling to surprise our pick up people with! My advice is to pace yourself, keep up the Purell, and keep Tums within easy reach!

C

I love you all. I've missed you all. I plan to spend the week after Christmas revamping the face of my blog a bit thanks to the input of my peers and professor to make it more appealing and easier to access/read. I've been rather distracted lately. I was vomiting (and other unappealing things) all night on Friday, continuing into Saturday, and unfortunately putting my fun weekend plans to rest. However now I think I have more or less recovered and I am finishing up Christmas shopping and getting excited about spending the weekend with lots of family.

I am thrown at the moment, though. I checked my grades for the semester last night. I had my first "B" in almost 4 years. I know, not an international crisis-type situation, but a let down for myself. I had a lot of personal struggles throughout the semester and I was disappointed that I lost my solid academic performance. Also, the professor for this particular course shifted the grading scale from the normal 90-100 is an "A", 80-89 is a "B", etc. to his own standard of 93-100 is an "A", and so on. But even though I was disappointed in myself, I wanted to know how I had done on the final because I really studied my rear off for that exam. I emailed him to inquire.

He just emailed me back and said that I made a 96+ on the final exam (shocking for me, but I was very pleased) and that my semester average was
a
92.17
.

Are you kidding me??? I missed an "A" by 0.83 points?!?! On a grading scale that he decided (not one that is the university standard)?? You can imagine my frustration at the moment. I emailed him back begging for extra work, to recalculate my grades, etc. I am not expecting a change. However, it is good to know that I did earn an "A" (by university standards, even if not by his). I'll just have to work harder next time.

Hope you are all having a fantastic pre-Christmas week, and I will be in touch again soon. Hopefully with better news and less frustration. Cheers!

C

Good evening to you. I hope your week has been going well (and continue to goes well). I have been struggling with the concept of not having anything to study for. I always carry at least a couple of textbooks with me at all times, and whenever I have a spare moment I try to squeeze in reading a few pages. But with exams finished for the semester, I actually have like a two week break. For the first time in I don't know how long, I don't have any assigned reading. So I am trying to manage the stress of not having my normal stress. Don't worry, it is definitely as weird as it sounds.

I have spent the past couple of days of my newfound freedom trying to do some of that panicked, hectic Christmas shopping that everyone fears. I have actually enjoyed it, though (minus the traffic; I hate. The traffic.). But I do feel that adrenaline surge when I enter a store and smell as those sales that are just begging me to take part. I also am rather addicted to online shopping. I feel like I am the most amazing bargain-hunter in North America. And I cannot explain the thrill I get when I see one of my packages arrived (although sadly none of the things I have ordered are for me). I have also enjoyed staying up into the wee hours of the morning (well, okay, I stayed up until 1am last night...that's about it) wrapping all of the gifts. I am kind of obsessed with the wrapping perfectly and bow-tying and whatnot. It's my thing, I guess.

Currently I am babysitting and refining my to-do list for the week (some items have been on there for months...). Tomorrow will consist of laundry (I am reaching the desperation point of stretchy pants or old prom dresses) and then packing because I am going to see Patrick on Saturday! Well, first I will be attending a lovely tea for my darling Christina who is a bride-to-be, but then I will be hitting the road. I'll be enjoying the scenic coastal city until a few days before Christmas when we'll get back for family fun. So I actually do have a lot to accomplish before then. Yet here I am, not doing the productiveness that I should be, but instead sharing all of this with you. I think I am subconsciously looking for approval of my procrastination. Well, maybe more consciously than subconsciously... Anyway, I hope you are faring well with Christmas shopping and all that jazz, and I promise to include some of my fancy, soon-to-be-copyrighted artwork very soon. I'm sure you are all on the verge of rioting due to the absence of my creations that certainly must light up your days...

C

Let's get this over with

I have a final exam that begins in exactly 1 hour and 33 minutes. I am currently sitting inside the building where said exam will take place. I have been studying for this exam for about 3 weeks. As you can imagine, I am thoroughly exhausted from the vileness that is this final. I am writing to you out of sheer rebellion to further studying for this ridiculous test. However, I realize it is probably not a good time to write to you as my brain is not functioning at full capacity (also a foreboding sign about the exam I am to take shortly). But I needed a little break. Okay, back to reviewing. Longer and hopefully far more interesting post very soon!!!

C

Let's procrastinate

Hello all, I hope you are having a lovely second week of December. I am still keeping steady residence in the study cave. With my epidemiology final behind me (not sure how it went but I feel as though I passed which is always a plus), I have been able to concentrate solely on my Tuesday final. I have currently memorized about 25 citations that I will have to use in my essays as references (no outside resources allowed with you...that's all kinds of realistic, right). I would safely say that I have reached an intense burn-out point. I've only left the house for the occassional babysitting, tutoring, and bare necessities.

Last Thursday I received a wonderful surprise, though. I was in my car pulling out of the driveway, when I noticed a box on our front porch. Intensely curious and mail-loving person that I am, I stopped and got out to get the mysterious package. And lo and behold, it was for ME!

I cannot even express my delight at having received fun mail (not bills or solicitations or catalogues full of items I can't afford), much less a whole package!

Anyway, it turns out it was a miracle package from my sweet, wonderful cousin Susan! Sadly, her adorbz daughter was not inside the box, but it was very much the next best thing: CEREAL! Om nom! My favorite kinds, and cookies! It made my whole week. Well, it's actually still making my week so I guess it has made two of my weeks! I am so lucky to have such wonderful, thoughtful people in my life. So when I start to hate everything after my non-stop 6 hour study sessions (2 per day), I have simply to glance over at my delish, anxiety-soothing snacks that were Dharma-airlifted with love, and I am reminded that it will alllll be okay and I have much to be thankful for! You guys remember that, too. Now I suppose I better stop with the fun of writing to you and get back to the woe that is pursuing a doctorate. Get ready, though, because come Wednesday I will be writing up a storm and including you all in our crazy Christmas fun.

C

I have a final exam today in my epidemiology class.
I have been studying for days.
I decided to condense all of my notes and lectures and reading so I could study just the facts.
I made a study guide.
It is 47 pages long.

Let's share the latest news

So here is where we are. Don't fret, it's not bad news. The doctor finally returned my call this morning (after a tense and busy weekend). He said that they could see the...thing...on one of the images but not on all of them. This apparently has led them to somewhat uncertain conclusions. However, they (maybe just he?) think that it could be even just a blood abnormality or something. Or it could be a hemangioma-type situation like I described before. His conclusion was that as of now the level of concern is "low" (I'm not sure what color that would equivocate to on the concern scale, but there we are). The next step to determining what this little...thing...is would be to do a biopsy, but that would be invasive and I would run a high risk of bleeding out and other very unpleasant things along that line. So he said we aren't going to do that right now (which I appreciate; I am totally on board with not bleeding internally, particularly right before finals). Instead we are going to wait 4-6 weeks and then he wants me to go for an MRI with contrast to get another, perhaps better, look at the little bugger. So it was not the "free and clear and back to reality" verdict we were hoping and I was counting on, but not as bad as it could be, and at least I have the comfort of knowing we are keeping our eyes on this thing when we check it in a few weeks.

So until then I am going to try to just go back to "normal". Luckily this is all occurring at a very busy time for me, as I have one big, scary final on Thursday and an even bigger, even scarier final a week from tomorrow. As I noted in an email I sent out earlier to some family and friends, I will now be returning to my study lair for the next 9 days. I will emerge from said study lair approximately December 14th at 10pm at the conclusion of aforementioned biggest and scariest final. Between now and then I am hunkered (is that a real word?) down with mounds of textbooks, my computer (my lifeline, really), baby Wells (who is not enjoying the boredom of watching me study 12 hours a day but is adjusting his nap schedule accordingly), and the occasional bathroom break.

I am also subsiding on my go-to study anxiety foods of Saltines and every variety of cereal I can lay my hands on. So far in the past 5 days I have worked my way through the better part of a box of Corn Pops and I think an entire box of Frosted Mini-Wheats. Which reminds me, next time I emerge for resources (most likely at night seeing as sunlight would probably burn my eyes which are now well-adjusted to the laptop glow) I...need....more...cereal.... Perhaps I could contact the Dharma Initiative to see if they would kindly airlift some supplies to me. That would be ideal.

Anyway, thank you ALL for your continued thoughts and prayers and following. I look forward to my study breaks in the next couple of weeks which I will devote to sharing my endeavors and my record cereal eating accomplishments with you.

C

Well, we are still waiting. We haven't gotten a call from the doctor today, and seeing that it's now "quitting time" for the work day I guess we'll have to wait until tomorrow. I think the plan is to call first thing so maybe we will at least hear something back by the evening. In the meantime I am sticking with the same no-news-is-good-news philosophy. Surely if something was wrong or I had an alien bursting out of my liver (which I suppose would also fall under the category of just general "wrong") they would have let me know by now.

So until tomorrow let's distract ourselves (or at least I can distract myself) with Mexican food, textbooks, and Arrested Development dvds. I'm not quite so keen on the textbooks of it all, but they certainly are distracting. Considering I need to read about four full texts to prepare for my Dec. 14th final (big heavy textbooks), and that is in addition to all of the supplementary articles and whatnots. The one coming up on December 9th won't be nearly as painful, but I still have a lot to do to prepare for that one as well. So I am going to eat my yummy dinner (helllloooooo La Paz) and crack the books, which will likely lull me into a peaceful sleep. Until tomorrow, I suggest you all kick back, watch some quality television, and start looking forward to your weekend. Friday is practically here!

C

Well, no news yet. But we are definitely considering no news to be good news, especially because we are 98% certain this is nothing at all to worry about. Today has been kind of a blur, but I'll walk you through it somewhat. Woke up (always a plus) and did the morning routine: taking Wellington out, brushing my teeth, morning medicines, etc. I checked e-mail and whatnot for about an hour to kill time before my appointment. My dad came home around 10:30 and we went to the clinic. We waited for about an hour before they called me back. Then they started my IV and... handed me two big cups of that barium-lemonade disgustingness.

Now. Obviously this concoction is preferable to straight barium. I am physically shuddering at the thought of drinking straight barium. However, that lemonade facade is not fooling anyone. I can't remember if I have written about my personal feelings on this before. If so, I apologize for the reiteration. I completely understand the purpose of the barium cocktail: it helps to see the internal organs and all that. And I appreciate that, I truly do. I like that when people are exposing me to large doses of radiation and taking little looksies at my insides they are getting good quality imaging.



This does not mean that I enjoy the...bluch taste of a barium-enriched beverage. Anyway, I shall proceed. So after the IV and the...refreshments(?) they loaded me up on the table to start the test. It was pretty uneventful, except for that moment when they injected the contrast. If you've never experienced it, it's going to be hard to describe to you, but if you have had it before you know exactly what I'm talking about. Within seconds it feels like something really, really warm/hot is flooding through you. Today I can accurately say it started in my head and face then down through my chest and arms, etc. eventually making me feel like I really needed to use the bathroom. The first time I had this particular test, they warned me about the sensation but I was still unprepared and I literally thought I had used the bathroom on the table. I was super embarrassed but you have to keep still and all or they have to start over so I was kind of just panicking in my head until the test was over and I realized I hadn't actually gone to the bathroom on the table. Whew.

So today I was prepared and it went more smoothly than that first time. I felt really bad that my dad had to wait for like two hours while I did all of this, but he assured me that he enjoyed the people watching. I am sure there are lots of different types of people he observed based on what I saw before they took me back. Anyway, now we are just awaiting that definitive confirmation call from the oncologist which will probably come tomorrow morning/afternoon. Until then I am enjoying some peppermint hot chocolate and studying for my panic-inducing finals that are coming up. Not quite relaxation but at least I'm at home! Updates as soon as I get them. Thanks for all of your thoughts and love and prayers. You all are the best.

C